Unadulterated Ramblings of a Peanut

Do you feel like reading the prophetic words of a cynical stay-at-home mom who gets all her news from daytime talkshows and Court TV? Well OF COURSE you do! Have the honor of witnessing me getting crazier & crazier by the day! I will chronicle such hard-hitting subjects as the reasons I HATE Tom Cruise, why Larry David is my own personal Jesus, & my neverending struggle to keep the items on my shelves spaced evenly apart. You'll laugh, you'll cry...but most of all, you'll be like, "Ummm, what?"

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Another night, another no sleep, another morning...

...but I AM coming up with some good ideas tonight (this morning)! Like, bald men should just embrace their baldness and not do the new "popular" kid thing to do which is to shave your head. Yer getting older, it happens! I mean, you can shave your head and everything...but we are all totally on to your coverup. We all can tell it's because you're going BALD and not because you are going thru rounds of chemotherapy!

Gawd...what the hell am I even talking about??

Just remember folks, this could be the amount of Ambien I took before "bed" doing the talkin' here (it was enough to kill a horse). However, as indicated by the past week of severe insomnia, I am immune to everything! I challenge each and every one of you to find something (drug and/or medication) that I'm NOT immune to! The winner gets the pleasure of doing the drug/medication we discover I'm NOT immune to...together!!! YAY!!!

Lots-n-lots of stuff happened today...some of it really cool. But I will save that for when I have a bit more writing stamina.

I will end with this: Next week during this time, the Peanut Connection will be complete...you'll have to sit tight until then to find out what that means!

p.s. I bought a piece of Sharon Tate's stone fireplace today. You know, the fireplace that was witness to all of the bloody Manson Murders when a pregnant Ms. Sharon Tate was killed along with four of her friends back in 1969. You know, just a little piece of history that I can pass on to the kid. Then, she will have the Tate fireplace rock....until she ends up throwing it in along with the landscape rocks outside our house. *sigh*

Friday, August 18, 2006

Oh dear insomnia...

...how I love thee.
Thank you so much for not giving me the strength to get through the last 5 days because you have been invading my life! We both know that it is NOT natural for Ami Christin Christiansen to be wide awake at 5:30 in the morning typing on her blog. Whatever happened to the days where it was easy for me to sleep well past 9:00?!? I mean, Ava doesn't even get up for another 2 and a half hours, fer chrissake!!!

Ambien, Lunesta, Trazadone, Klonopin, and Valium...you have all failed me miserably and I hate you all (those meds, that is) very, very much.

Luckily I have a psych appt. this morning! I'm almost thinking of begging them to put me in the psych ward "just for a little vacation this weekend".

In other news, my Lil' Peaznut and I are getting tattoos next Wednesday. Mine will say "Big Peanut" in chinese letters, and Meghan's will say "Little Peanut" in chinese letters. We feel the deep need to get that forever marked on our bodies because the Peaznut bond is unbreakable.

God, am I talking all weird?? Did I just hear a mewing cat?? Why can't there be more gloomy days in Minneapolis?? I hate bright, sunshiny days...they just make me want to puke.

That is all.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Up Front Parking

That's right folks. After a few years of procrastination, I ~finally~ applied for handicap parking and now have a permanent handicap placard thingy!!!! I will be able to park up-front forever-n-ever!!! Until the end of time!!! Until the world comes to a fiery end!!
Doctors and various other loved ones have been prodding me to get this taken care of for years (yeah, it would've came in really handy when I was pregnant in the wintertime and on 24/7 oxygen!). The biggest hassle was tracking down Dr. Bob to have him fill out this form. Once again, he came to my rescue and now I'm totally living large. Nawww, not really living large, but it's a tad bit more exciting (and easier!) to go to the store now knowing that I'll ALWAYS get a kick-ass parking spot!

Now I bet everyone will want to go to the Mall of America with me! That's okay! I'll take you!

I bet you're all jealous that I'm handi-capable.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

This is what a fat bunny in a harness looks like...

Any Questions?


Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Minnesota Nice.

I know I'm not the first one to coin that phrase, but jeezus christ is it true!
I just got off the phone with the good people at Comcast Cable because for a couple months now, the channels I watch the most frequently (4, 8, & 10) have been severely breaking up and have become unwatchable. This has cost great stress in my life as Dr. Phil and Oprah are on Channel 4 and well, People's Court is on Channel 8. I forget why I even mentioned Channel 10 actually, becomes I guess I don't really watch it.
So I finally get the energy to call the cable company to get this fucking crap fixed once and for all. See, I've called the cable company so many times in my life, that I know what they're going to ask me to do right away to try and remedy the problem. So I started out by saying "Yes I've unplugged the power source" and then I promptly gave them the number off the back of the box so they could "ping" the box. Yeah so that didn't work so I'm just like, "Please send someone out to give me a newer and better box because I HATE this box". While she was waiting for her DOS-based computer to work...she made what I like to call "The Minnesota Nice". Ya know, small talk about dumb crap. "Sheesh, I'm pretty glad I'm in the air-conditioning today because I heard it's just a scorcher out there!" and "I hear a little baby in the background...I sure can't wait until I have grandkids". I mean it's nice and all...but WHY OH WHY do we HAVE to talk while we're waiting for the computer to kick out some information?!??!!? Silence is golden. I like silence. I don't think it's awkward at all.
Anyway, EVERY SINGLE TIME I've called the cable company they do this. This is why I've put off calling them for soooo long. No shit! I just don't have the energy for conversation that isn't meaningful, I guess.
So, between 11 and 1 tomorrow afternoon...a fat-ass Comcast tech should be showing up to yet again put me through the torture of small talk. Hopefully, my small talk efforts will be rewarded with a NEW cable box (one that's silver and not black). I'll just toss in the fact that my husband and I worked for the cable company for almost a decade combined so we know what's up in that department.

WARNING!!! WARNING!!! The following paragraph involves vaginas. Don't say I didn't warn you!! WARNING!!! WARNING!!!
In other news, I had my annual vag appointment today. Haven't had one since six weeks after The Tronic was born. Maybe this deserves a post all its own...but the bakery has officially shut down after one good run. What I mean is: Ami is getting a brand-new procedure between August 29th and September 11th...which, without getting into graphic details, is PERMANENT birth control. No reversing it, no going back, nope, nope, nope. The tubes will be blocked off and my sweet little egg will never travel down any tubes again. We broke the mold when we had Ava...and as much as I love her and can't imagine my world without her...we're DONE!
And as we all know, birth control pills and patches and shots and nose sprays or whatever, fuck with hormones majorly...and that is ONE thing I don't need. I'm already fucked up enough as it is.
So anyway, yeah. I've never been so sure about something in awhile...and when my 97-year-old gynecologist suggested it, my ears perked up, and I was like, "Can we do it today?"
Ya know, just to kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Apparently, there's only one doctor in like the whole state of Minnesota that performs this "state-of-the-art" procedure and I'm on her list.
I'll be a eunuch now, won't I? That's totally awesome.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Who needs 24 ounces of Parmesan Cheese?!?!

So about 2 weeks ago, Clay's parents came to visit and took us to Sam's Club. I've only been to Sam's Club about twice in my life, and each time I'm just like "holy shit". Everything is just so, well, BIG!!! And since I'm a midget, you can just about imagine how much larger and scary everything is looking through my tiny midget eyes. It's like every item in that store is taking massive amounts of steroids.
The one thing that we bought that kinda creeps me out every time I look at it is the container of grated parmesan cheese. 24 flippin' ounces! I mean c'mon!! In the picture to the left, I leaned a quarter against the bottom of the container for scale so you can get an idea of just how obnoxiously large it is.
Yesterday I used it for the first time, and I had to use BOTH of my hands in order to shake it on my pasta! Also, it doesn't fit nicely in the side part of the refrigerator like the normal size one...it's all awkward and takes up a shitload of space.
It just bothers me, and I can't wait until it's all used up so we can get the normal-size one.

I hope all of you have enjoyed reading this meaningless post.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Ami's Internet Obsessions





Lately, I've found myself "researching" the following subjects on the internet:

  • Howard Hughes & all of his splendid weirdness
  • Dana Plato (again)
  • Suicides in Las Vegas
  • Hunter S. Thompson
  • Bette Davis
  • Frank Sinatra
  • Frank Sinatra owning the Cal-Neva Resort & Casino in the 1960's

Now I seriously must really tear myself away and go outside and water my flowers.